Our Stories

By OA Member, October  2024

It is impossible for me to pinpoint where my unhealthy relationship with food began. I truthfully am not sure I ever had a healthy one. From as young as 7 years old I recall being obsessed with food, being conscious of my body and trying to restrict my food in order to lose weight. I knew, even at such a young age, that my relationship to food was not normal.

Food and eating dominated my whole life but I never understood why or how. I am a capable, intelligent woman, but when it came to food and dieting I had no control. I put this down to a lack of willpower, an awful sweet tooth and, on the darker days, a total failing of my character.

I would hear friends talk about how they overate at times and wanted to lose weight. But still I couldn’t help but think they surely can’t feel the same way I do about it. Surely, the food in their cupboards does not call out to them. Surely, they don’t eat multiple dinners, family size packs of food or order food from multiple restaurants and live in fear of the embarrassment the staff would notice. Surely they don’t continue to shovel food into them when they're so full they can’t breathe. Surely, after they have something sweet or “unhealthy” they don’t feel an intense self loathing. I couldn’t imagine anyone else felt like this.

This led to intense feelings of shame around food. I would constantly try to diet, to “be good” around the food. This renewed effort could last days or weeks, but it was always followed by the idea that eventually I could eat in moderation. “One slice of cake won’t hurt '' and I was off. Then the binging began. I ate to feel comfort. Once I put the food in my mouth I felt a sense of relief. But it never lasted long. Increasingly, the period of relief was getting shorter and shorter and I needed more and more food to feel at ease.

I was so isolated at this time. Eating that quantity of food and the shame that came around it meant that all I wanted to do was be alone with the food because I had no control at all. It was also more than just the quantity of food I was eating. Food was an obsession. My mind was dominated by thoughts of when I could next eat, what food was around, what other people were eating. It was so so lonely and I had no idea how to stop. I still thought I just had to find the right diet.

What I really hadn’t realized was how my eating was affecting my behaviour. I was horrible to be around. I was irritable, snappy and at times cruel to the people around me, the people I loved. I would make a nasty comment and have no clue why. If something went wrong with my food, if there wasn’t enough nearby I could be vicious. Increasingly, daily life became more and more unmanageable and I needed more food to cope. It was a vicious cycle. Panic attacks became a regular occurrence, my weight was increasing and I felt entirely powerless over any of it.

By the time I turned 20, I had heard of Overeaters Anonymous through my father who was a member at the time. One evening in the height of summer I had just had a panic attack for no obvious reason. I thought all was well again, but my parents sat me down and insisted I get some form of help around the food. I was initially angry that they were bringing it up, but then my Dad said something that I will never forget;

“No matter how hard I try, no matter how much I want to and no matter how capable I am in all other parts of my life, I will never be able to control my food.”

This truly sent shivers to my spine. I had never heard anyone talk like that before. It was still another few months before I felt ready to go get help. In between Christmas and New Year 2017 my Dad took me to my first OA meeting. It was an out of body experience.

There was a room of about 8 people who were all talking about food the way I experienced it. I had nothing at all in common with these people. I was the youngest there by a mile and thought that it might be too soon for me to be here, that maybe I wasn’t really as bad as them.

But they spoke of the obsession, the inability to stop, the loneliness, isolation, shame-my whole experience was being mirrored back to me. And these people were well. They had a solution. I could finally take my food seriously as an illness. I had an eating disorder and an addiction to food. I felt a weight lifting off my chest. For the first time in my life I felt understood. It truly blew my mind that there were other people in the world who are like I ate, obsessed like I did, and who had tried and failed to get well on their own.

The OA solution is a spiritual one, which requires total surrender. There can be a lot of misconceptions around this. I certainly could concede I needed a lot of help with the food, but couldn’t quite get my head around the total surrender - that my whole life was unmanageable because of my food addiction.

During the COVID lockdown though, I hit a rock bottom. I had brief spells of abstinence from eating compulsively and I thought I could manage, but this disease of compulsive overeating is sneaky and slowly I was eating more and more and the obsession crept back in. I hit a breaking point and had to fully give this programme all I had. I truly believed the food would kill me otherwise, either physically or mentally.

I met my sponsor at my home group meeting and she had such freedom from the food. I asked her to sponsor me and threw myself into working the steps. I quickly began to feel the effects of working the 12 step programme. The weight fell off naturally, but it very quickly became about so much more than my physical appearance. I was calmer, able to cope better, and nicer to be around. I was, for the first time in my life, at peace with myself. It was like someone turned off a white nose that had been blaring in the background of my life and I hadn’t noticed. I suddenly had new energy.

The programme is simple, but not easy. However on tough days there is an army of support and understanding from other members. I have shared things with people I never thought I could say out loud, without knowing anything about them. The shared bond of having experienced compulsive overeating means that they understand in ways my family and friends can’t, even though they may want to.

I’d be lying if I said everything in my life became perfect. Life is still life and it throws up its fair share of challenges. But the difference is that I am able to cope with them in a healthy and loving way. A way that isn’t destructive to me or to those around me. I have coped with things beyond my comprehension and found a strength I didn’t know I had. I still don’t fully understand how it all works, but it does. It has never failed me and so I don’t question it. I trust that OA, the people I meet through it and the guidance in the steps of the OA programme, keep me well.

I often say that OA has allowed me to be the person I want to be. The daughter, the sister, the friend, the girlfriend. The person I wanted to be was in there but I couldn’t access that part of myself because my eating had drowned her out.

There is a story from the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous (which is often read and referenced in OA) in which the writer says of his first meeting “maybe I could find my way out of this agonizing existence. Perhaps I could find freedom and peace, and be able once again to call my soul my own”. (Alcoholics Anonymous, 4 th Edition, Page 273) I read that in the first meeting I attended after admitting I was at rock bottom and I don’t believe that was an accident.

And today, I am eternally grateful that, for one day at a time, I can call my soul my own, that I am neutral around food and that I am healthy, physically, mentally and spiritually and I truly owe it all to OA. OA has allowed me to call my soul my own and reclaim it from the pain of compulsive overeating.

If any of my story resonates with you then I greatly encourage you to reach out, come to a meeting and learn more. It is so worth it. Everyone is deserving of recovery. 

Danielle's Experience

By OA Member, August 2024

Hi, my name is Danielle and I'm a recovered compulsive overeater, but not cured.

I have been abstinent from my trigger foods and behaviours for 2yrs now, and have maintained a healthy bodyweight for almost a year and a half. My highest weight would have been 23 stone [146 kilos} and my lowest would have been 10 stone [63 Kilos] Most of my life I would have been either eating compulsively or dieting compulsively.

I always had a sweet tooth from as far back as I can remember. My pocket money and babysitting money would always go on sweets. From an early age the eating would have been done in isolation. Sugar always seemed to soothe the separateness I felt as a child. Luckily I was involved in sports, that kept the weight somewhat at bay, but I was still carrying excess weight. My first diet was at 17yrs of age. I lost three and a half stone [22 kilos]to look good on my first holiday abroad.

In my early twenties, an unexpected sporting opportunity came my way which involved living abroad for six years. That stage of my life is where the disease of compulsive overeating began to manifest. I was very much living the dream on the surface, but underneath were emotions of loneliness and being homesick. Not long after a healthy meal I would find myself eating again, sometimes on food that wouldn't ordinarily interest me. Then as time went on I found I couldn't stop eating sugary foods and the weight began to pile on. Over the next few years the horrific weight gain began to affect every area of my life.

I longed to find a partner, but each failed attempt just left me feeling rejected, fat, lonely and unworthy. Of course I retreated back into the only comfort I had ever known. The food was always there. It was instant gratification and it worked for a while. But as the weight began to pile on and it became harder to carry around, feelings of guilt and self loathing would quickly take away the short lived high that sugar once provided.

I began dieting and realised I had pretty good willpower. I managed to loose eight stone [50 kilos] over a 2yr period, but the success was short lived. As soon as I began to eat my trigger foods, i.e. sugar mainly, the weight began to pile on again. This was to begin a rollercoaster journey of yo yo diets that usually ended in more weight gain.

After loosing quite a bit of weight to fit into my wedding dress, I found myself over eating on the first day of our honeymoon. That was to continue for the next couple of years as I sought to bury the feelings of an unhappy marriage. When the pain of life got too hard to bear, I numbed myself with food. I didn't want to feel the feelings so I shoved them back down as far as I could. Then I would try to muster the last remaining bit of willpower I had to try yet another diet.

In my forties, divorced and living alone, at my highest weight of 23 stone [146 kilos] most nights were spent by the fire with the curtains pulled, lights off and disconnected from the world. Binging was no longer a choice, it had become a necessity. I made all kinds of promises not to binge, but the compulsion was so overwhelming, I was powerless over it. All the willpower I displayed in my early years of dieting was gone out the window. This debilitating disease had me in its grips.

When I found myself in the rooms of Overeaters Anonymous [OA] I learned firstly that I wasn't alone. Other people were also unable to stop binging. Some members restricted, some threw up, some over exercised but we all had one thing in common, an unhealthy relationship with food and an inability to control it. OA caught my attention because it was completely different than any other weight loss method I had used previously. OA taught me that weight wasn't my problem, neither was food my problem. What I have is an allergy of the body and a mental twist of the mind. Once I ingest certain trigger foods, my body has an allergic reaction and I crave more, the same way an alcoholic craves alcohol. Most people who have overindulged become uncomfortable and stop eating, the opposite happens to me, I crave more.

I would love to say that shortly after joining OA my problem was solved, but that was not the case. OA follows the same 12 step program of Alcoholics Anonymous. It was suggested I get a sponsor and begin working the steps. As I worked my way through the steps I realised that what I had was an emotional illness. I used food to shove down the feelings of anger, resentment, fear and the pain of loneliness. I also celebrated with food. It dominated every area of my life. When I put the food down I began to feel the feelings for the first time in my life. That was hard. It took courage, but it was ok because I had began to develop a relationship with a power that was greater than myself. I learned one simple truth, that on my own I was completely powerless against this disease of compulsive eating and in order to recover, I needed to find some concept of a power that's greater than me. Because OA is not a religious organisation, I could call that power anything I wanted. I choose to call it God.

I continued going to meetings, but I found relapse had become a big part of my journey. I changed sponsors and worked the steps again, each time uncovering more of an understanding about myself and this disease. The food would be in its place for a while, but there were many relapses along the way. I became so frustrated after many years in OA, why couldn't I get it? Every time I relapsed, the binging was worse than the previous time. This disease is progressive and it continues to progress whether I'm in the food or not.

Finally I hit my rock bottom. The last binge frightened the life out of me. After 17yrs in OA I just couldn't believe the power the compulsion had over me, the food was worse than it had ever been. I was as powerless as the first day I came in the doors of OA. I realised some radical changes had to be made. After making contact with some recovered members, I realised that long-term recovery was possible. I wanted to know what they did to get recovered and what are they doing now to keep it?

If I wanted what they had I needed to become rigorously honest and be open to change. For me that meant letting go of a loving sponsor and becoming open to hearing another voice. It also meant going to different meetings, but most importantly, it meant developing a new attitude. I needed to let go of everything I thought I knew about OA, everything I thought I knew about the programme and everything I thought I knew about myself. It also meant letting go of certain trigger foods I had been holding on to. It turned out I was drip feeding my disease all along by holding onto them. When I put the trigger foods down entirely and began to work the steps with a completely new attitude, everything changed. I also realised that another reason for the relapses was a failure to enlarge my spiritual life.

My new sponsor took me through the steps quickly and I experienced the spiritual awakening necessary to arrest this disease of compulsive eating one day at a time. It was a complete transformation. Soon after that I began sponsoring and carrying the message to others. I've moved away from selfishness and isolation and have made some genuine friendships both in and outside of OA. The steps taught me how to grow up and become a responsible adult. I now realise that a lot of my problems were of my own making. Relationships that were lost or strained have now become healthy again as I have learned to accept my part in things. My physical health has improved tremendously. For the first time in my life I have reached and maintained a healthy body weight and the correct BMI for my age. The best part of living in recovery is the peace of mind it brings. For today the compulsion has been removed and I absolutely take no credit for that.

In the first line of this story I call myself a recovered compulsive overeater, but not cured. I will always be a compulsive overeater, but living in recovery means I don't eat my trigger foods or act out in unhealthy behaviours one day at a time. There is no cure for addiction, but what I get is a daily reprieve. The relapses I experienced taught me that this daily reprieve is very much dependent on my spiritual fitness and my ability to be rigorously honest. I need to do the work. Life can still be hard at times, but the difference now is that I accept my powerlessness, and I humbly hand my worries over to a power that is so much greater than me, God.

Margaret's Experience...

By OA Member, November 2021

I didn’t come from a house of overeaters or dieters so I didn’t know what a diet was until I heard my friends talk about restricting when in college. I remember joining a slimming club then with a friend in college, I lost some weight and then started some binges and I remember after not having had sweet food for a while how my body reacted with a buzz when I ate it. During my 20s and 30s I went up and down in weight through restricting or overeating and I was never really happy with my body. The weight and binges were increasing.

Over the last few years things progressed, I put on another stone or two. I stopped being able to diet for any length of time even coming up to weddings and I was disgusted at myself. Months before I joined Overeaters Anonymous (OA), I remember a moment when I felt totally defeated and that nothing was working. I did subconsciously know there was something else out there. I think at that point I felt I had no control and there was some surrender then. I did feel at the time that I had a spiritual connection as I remember speaking to my Higher Power and asking for help, but later when I was in OA I realised my connection to my Higher Power was blocked and I think this was due to the effects of all the food in my body, how I obsessed about it all in my mind and the fears and resentments I had.

A couple of weeks later I felt totally defeated. I went on a residential weekend from work on a course. It was full of healthy food so I packed my bags with crisps and chocolate just in case. We ate large amounts of healthy nutritious food that didn’t satisfy me so I went back to my room to eat my snacks, which didn’t even satisfy me. One day I went for a walk with a girl who told me she was addicted to sugar and was in a 12-step programme for compulsive overeating. My own ego and know it all attitude tried to tell her I was working my own way on my eating. Mine clearly was not working though and hers was. Two weeks later during a Spiritual Counselling session the therapist said to me that the session was difficult and the process was blocked with my over eating and she suggested Overeaters Anonymous. I thought no way as I felt it would totally restrict my spontaneous fun life whereas in truth I was in a lot of pain with compulsive overeating. So I picked up the phone a few days later and I just knew this was where I was to go as I felt a release as I spoke to the person. 

I attended my first meeting over 3 years ago. I felt I just needed to be there. I got such a warm and friendly welcome. It was so supportive.  I started doing the 12 steps and working the programme. I attended the OA meetings and by a miracle the cravings left, I got so much clarity in my life, issues at work I could see my part in and I became less involved in drama, the stiffness and pain in my body resolved. Life isn’t totally perfect but I now have a programme that I work on each day. This keeps me abstinent from compulsive eating because I cannot do this on my own. It also helps me with my fears and resentments, my relationships and my work. It is when I forget that I have this condition of compulsive eating that my life gets difficult. I now have a connection with my Higher Power. The last 18 months of the pandemic gave me a chance to work the programme as best I could, it has helped me through it and to post pandemic growth. Before I joined OA I did not have a sense of purpose or value. Now I wake up most days with a vision and a mission and I bounce out of bed. I have increasing tolerance and patience with others and this helps everything to run more smoothly in my life and generally The support of Overeaters Anonymous is something I could not do without. 

From relapse to recovery...

By OA Member, January 2021

Hi, I am a compulsive overeater, binger, restrictor, body obsessor, purger on exercise. 

I have never been obese. Or severely overweight and more than anything my disease will try to tell me that I am a crazy fool being here, and I don't need this programme. I need this programme, and I know that. I need this programme, because I know in my heart of hearts that I am a compulsive overeater and I don't need to try and work out why. I just need to know that regardless of my size I am a compulsive overeater and to live through these steps one day at a time. 

What strikes me most about what life was like before the programme, is how mental it all seems to have been, and how ignorant I was to the madness. 

I certainly spent most of my life preoccupied with food and self-image! Whether it was dieting, bingeing, purging on exercise, or self-loathing because I didn't look as thin as my other girlfriends, or my mum. Regardless of whether I was underweight / overweight or a normal weight my mind would beat me up and as a result I loathed myself. Not having an I'm full button' when it came to the amount of food I consumed was a big struggle. I used food to deal with my emotions and nervous energy. 

As I reflect, I can certainly observe a progression of the disease, and how cunning, baffling and powerful the disease was over the years of my life prior to the programme. 

Food has always been 'a thing' in my life. Whether it was through shame from stealing it, disguising the gluttony, or trying so relentlessly to eat like a normal person. 

At five years old I recall an obsession with nuts (one of my trigger foods) and sneaking walnuts from my grans cake making cupboard. At 11 I consumed so many monkey nuts that I involuntarily projectile vomited a solid mash of nuts-there was just no space left for the nuts to stay down. Using humour as an excuse for gluttony was another cunning way at which I would consume large quantities. Family events centred around huge buffets, the over excitement at all the flavours, and stuffing myself and continuing to stuff myself, long after others were long done with the food. I'd go on nights out just for the hangover day so I could binge all day on junk food, and feel no guilt. I'd act up, picking my food like an uninterested 'lady' even though my mind was wanting to shovel food in like a pig. Then he'd go to bed, and I could truly enjoy it. Swapping salty flavours for sweet flavours meant my binges could last hours, until I passed out, and then I'd come round and I'd continue. There are countless times that I am able to recall a food bingeing story. And I can through the help of the programme see that this was not a food issue but a life issue. I could not cope with life, and food was 'the fix' to my inability to cope with life. 

The sanctuary of the car for a binge was a classic, I don't know how many times I'd stop on long car journeys telling myself whatever excuse I needed: I'm tired, its lunch time, it's time for a snack, I'm nearly there, I'm sad, happy, bored, angry, frustrated lonely, I hate myself, or absolutely no reason.. I'd better get something to eat ....     

One thing that seems clear pre-programme is that I didn't admit powerlessness. I would relentlessly try to be victorious. Self-will would always be there telling me that I'd sort this out, tomorrow or after I'd finished whatever it was I was eating. During car journeys self-will would look like the most insane scene; I'd be chucking food in the back of the car to stop me eating it and then dangerously driving all over the road as I attempted to retrieve the packet of something I'd seconds earlier chucked away.

Either never wanting any mealtime to end because that meant life had to start. Or denying my hunger and having a tiny portion and driving myself crazy about when and where I was next going to eat. Mimicking whatever my thinner friends were eating, and mimicking their food behaviors healthy or not to see if that might work for me. 

The progression of the disease saw me becoming obsessed with health, and ways to get the quantities in without the weight gain. I could definitely binge on broccoli, and I'd binge on cabbage and salad portions that could probably serve 8. Food behaviours became more extreme, I would get the whole loaves that we baked and I would frantically nibble off every crunchy bit of bread and hope that my partner couldn't tell what I'd done. Oats had a low Glycemic load so I'd stuff cold porridge oats soaked in water into my mouth. no joy, no peace just frantically stuffing myself to try and get the effect I needed to sufficiently numb me. Sugar was off my radar during my orthorexia phase, but any sweet taste or high fat and the physical craving and mental obsession would begin, for example I'd binge like crazy on dates and walnuts that I'd mash together into so called healthy energy balls. I have no end of shameful food stories that I could recall. The truth is that I was forever trying to eat like a normal eater and no matter how much willpower I had I could not stop from starting on a binge and once I started on a binge I could not stop.

How I ended up in OA?

This felt very spiritual. I had just left my partner, and found a new place to live. Full of anxiety I brought a few jars of nut butter spreads, a few halva bars, and a packet of rye bread, and stuffed myself as subtly as I could on the bus. For some reason I opened up to the woman I had just moved in with, and she mentioned OA to me. I had never even heard of it. I read up about it online, and something in me broke, I just flooded with uncontrollable tears, I couldn't stop crying.... I read as much as I could about it online, and I got top marks as I ticked yes to every single are you a compulsive overeater question. I just had no clue that such a disease existed. 

I knew I had to call the number of my local meeting, and I remember blubbering my eyes out on my own and feeling petrified. For the first time ever I was anxious that I wasn't going to be big enough to be allowed into the only place I'd got top entry level marks for in my life! The thoughts all got too much for me to make the call, and I binged. I binged hugely before I made the phone call, and I binged after I made the phone call. Then I proceeded to binge leading up to the 1st meeting. It was as if my disease knew that something was beginning to shift and the disease wanted to get as much in as possible.. Then the warm welcome from a group of all shapes and sizes. When it came to my share, I burst into tears again, the whole thing had struck such a chord. I can't express the emotion that poured from me... but a part of me knew that I had found home. It all felt completely divinely orchestrated. And I felt so blessed to have such an eye-opening introduction. 

The message felt clear. Get a sponsor, get abstinent, and Go through the steps as laid out in the big book. I got a sponsor, I got abstinent, I began the steps the big book way, but it is only now that I realise I needed to hit a whole other level of desperation, I needed to know on a deeper level how much I needed this programme. And as I commenced on my three-year relapse, I can see as clear as day how the disease progresses, 

The beginning of my relapse came when I had finally achieved a weight loss so significant I'd never experienced. I became lost to my ego, believed I had what it took to conquer the disease armed with my self knowledge and will power alone! I was soon to begin to fall long and hard into every ice cream tub and flavour for three years... But at the early stages of the relapse, I weighed myself at 8 stone a weight I'd always dreamed to be. I remember looking in the mirror, and thinking that I just needed to get to seven stone and that would be perfect then. Somewhere in my head an alarm bell rang, 7 stone hadn't sounded safe before, and I mentioned this to highlight that no matter my size the disease would tell me that I was not enough, and happiness was over there. It has become helpful for me to know how diseased my mind was. no matter what size I am even when I was at my dream weight my mind was restless, irritable and discontent. 

Now as I journey on the path of, 'the size that god intends for me'. I can be at peace in accepting that my mind can't tell the true from the false. That God is doing for me that which I cannot do for myself, and if I continue on this path of Spiritual progress not perfection, of working the steps to the best of my ability, then regardless of what my mind will tell me, I am the size that God intended for me to be. The programme is a design for living that I absolutely depend upon, a set of directions, a map to sanity. I realise the restlessness, irritability and discontent at the core of my being, and by working this programme, slowly the layers of learning are revealed.

I find myself surrounded by beautiful, wise, practitioners of a spiritual programme of wellness. It is a family with which a deep health flows. It's one day at a time! Today I feel well, yesterday I was seething at the programme and drowning in resentments, my disease started to tell me all sorts of negativities... The power of God in this programme is utterly profound. I thought about taking action with an outreach from a certain person that I thought might be able to share some valuable experience strength and hope regarding my situation, and froze, instead opted to phone into the meeting. And when it came to the shares, the lady I'd intended to call was the first share, and she said exactly as I needed to hear, as if it were God... it was just so odd...

I was asking God why am I still struggling with life, I'm living in the steps to the best of my ability.... and the sharer I'd intended to call, said "shitstorms still come into my life, life still shows up, the programme doesn't take life's troubles away, but it gives us the tool kit to deal with life in a new and more manageable way. And that was just as I needed to hear. 

This programme gives me a loving powerful hand of God, knowledge and understanding of my disease, and how to live in the solution, every step of the way as I journey through life - it really is a design for living that really works. For me only a few days ago I was feeling hopeless, I was lingering where I shouldn't be - back in the mind, trying to work it all out, rather than sticking to the steps and the action ...I was telling myself I wasn't good enough, and trying to work it out, why I was having the same resentment come up over and over... Yet I was abstinent. And I can say that I am experiencing neutrality around the food- A wish that I could never have imagined possible I don't hover around the dinner table never wanting the food experience to end. But I eat my abstinent meal, tidy away and think about the next chapter of my day... Yet here I was and abstinence and neutrality around food were no longer enough!!!! I was feeling anger at the fact that I wasn't at peace with every other issue that had arisen in my life! 

Through the tools I could see that I was trying to run the show again. through the tools I could see that I wasn't fully giving over my life and will to God. Through the tools I can start to see how taking the actions of my amends are like action steps from God, and through the practice of these actions, I can trudge the road of happy destiny.